thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
