I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
