Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
