I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
