Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
