By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
