I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
