I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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