She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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