well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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