You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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