If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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