Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
