wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
