I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
