I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
