If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
