So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
