i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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