I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
