Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
