I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
