I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
