The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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