sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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