i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
