I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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