how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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