Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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