my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
