You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
