Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
