I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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