I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
