my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
