she woke up with a sticky ear
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
