Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
