Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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