Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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