chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
