we have pet lesbian snakes
babies were throwing up all over the place
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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