maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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