i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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