I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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