you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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