Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
