life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
