if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
