she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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