all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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