Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
