I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
