just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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