Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
