Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
