I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
