She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
