Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
