I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
