I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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