His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
