Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
not ubering you a puppy
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