He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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